A Queer Dharma by Jacoby Ballard

Author:Jacoby Ballard [Ballard, Jacoby]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781623176525
Publisher: North Atlantic Books

Amid Intimacy and Conflict: Loving Loved Ones

When we work with the category of loved ones, there already exists a lot of relationship and history, unlike with the neutral person. In these relationships there is a great deal of care and intimacy, and there has also probably been some pain and conflict. The task in offering metta to loved ones is one of letting go of stories, history, expectations, disappointments, and betrayals, and offering them lovingkindness unconditionally. We honor and connect to our beloveds’ basic goodness, witnessing their wholeness and offering our love.

At times, loved ones are an incredible boon, and at other times they can rub you in the worst way. My mom, my partner, and my closest friends have all spanned the categories here of benefactor, loved one, and difficult person. Working with a loved one in metta practice brings me back to the connection present in the relationship and the many reasons that I love this person, and this gratitude enlivens the relationship. Sometimes our loved ones are easy to love, to celebrate, to care for, to support.

Sometimes, when there is conflict in a relationship, I do a metta meditation that includes just me and this other person. I offer kindness and care to myself, which sometimes allows me to recognize the ways in which I’m depleted, overwhelmed, overextended—all of which contribute to conflict in the relationship! I offer metta to the other person, reminding myself why I’m in it with them, working out being more loving to people in close proximity. This work on my cushion has been incredibly useful in resolving conflict, enabling me to see the other person’s side of the conflict, their interests, and that what they bring to the conflict may arise out of something having nothing to do with me. Therefore, the conflict becomes less personal and more workable—not something wrong with me or wrong with them but rather two people, dizzied by the demands of life, knocking into each other unmindfully. I can see what we each need, how I can show up for those needs, and that the conflict, no matter how petty or grand, is workable.

Working with the category of loved ones has also served me in remaining connected to those whom I’m no longer in close proximity with. Offering metta to my friend in the Hudson Valley, whom I befriended in Ithaca, or to my niece, who I lived with in Atlanta and now lives in San Francisco with her wife and daughter, means I bring the love, care, connection, meaning, and beauty of the relationship to my heart wherever I am. It reminds me that I am never separate from those I love.

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